Hormonal captivity.

October 28, 2016

Another miscarriage…..á distant feeling of recoil shadows my days. I still smile and go on. I am 45 now. Its over. Father time heal my body. Mother earth nurture my soul and mind. Om


Sweet dream

May 2, 2015

half awake this morning….missing you. basking in the glow of our long gone love……that impulsive, youthful and beautiful spark of destruction.

in this dream i long for you liked i did once. our lives separated by the warm breeze of dharmic duties….even in our ignorance.

in this dream you also look for me across the vision of countless meditating souls, sitting in a large cave by a wondrous holy river….

we can feel each others presence. a gentle punishing agony grips our hearts…

so we sit… far away form each other but aware of our vicinity.  the silence is comforting..

there is nothing to say….so we surrender to the bliss of being.


December 19, 2013

Is your nature really so opposed to the truth of the world?

Dogma why do u exist?

If all is sacred and part of  divine creation,

What role in Lila is yours?

Can pure chaos be your opposite, so much as blackholes 

are opposite to singularities?

Violent places -seemingly- who knows, why or how,

Yet present everywhere.

Dogma why do you exist…ahg!



To my unborn child

December 10, 2013

I honor you today with these loving words. I treasure the time we did have together however fleeting. Your impending arrival terrified and excited me a the same time, but all in all i felt blessed with your prescence in this body. Smiles all around family and friends lost in dreaming of the sweet smell of a child’s innocence, that was your gift.
I Honor you little one with these words which are all I can give you now that you are gone back to the garden of souls in the seemigly distant primordial clouds of the Universe. May your journey be peaceful now and forever.

The Nature of Desire

June 8, 2013

Wrestling with the desires of this body, i wonder what is the correct move. The chess game of life plays out in painfully slow motion. As the highest value of my current life strategy is ahimsa, this is a unique scenario. In the ignorance of my past i would have held my delimea all inside like an overipe tomato and eventually exploded, making a mess for myself.

So what IS the Nature desire?……..Twisting around the subject, my mind is a snake coiled in knots around itself….where is the missperception? it tires me to no end.

Desire  IS. In the duality of physical reality non-harming ACTION bears fruit. The law of karma satisfied. This struggle is soon coming to a halt……a paralizing one.

’tis so sad

May 17, 2013

’tis so sad to have opened up and be ignored. so much emotional control to even attempt to unearth my deepest desires…..wasted in deaf ears and a stone heart.

’tis so sad finding out that the beautiful outer core of a person’ soul can still hide dark places that they can’t bear to look at……even after knowing that  all perceived  reality is impermanent anyhow…..even after all ’tis time together.

’tis so sad to lay awake  pondering in deep solitude how to recover from the sterile aloofness.  how to walk back from the seductive abyss . how to nurse the tender buds of my bruised seedling desires in the most dharmic path….and there it is.  a gift of sound…the primordial word….dark yet powerful waves of the universe in symphonic form, bathing my sadness in its sweet nectar of acceptance.

Failure Meditation

February 11, 2013

failure is so uncomfortable, im trying to be with “it” without wanting to run away. everyone says there is a fruit to be picked at the other side of this experience. so………cant see past the discomfort yet.

my other issue is personal space…..how to be here and perform all roles expected of one. there will be sour faces at my lack of performance. its their karma? or mine? and how to not re-act in these state of mind?

failure is a demanding mistress…. a seed that has been watered and is ready to burst open. Breaking throug the soil in a painful-yet necessary- tearing of its seedling coating. fragile state of mind that can be scorched easyly by too much light, broken by too much wind. How to nourish the moment and strenghten the stalk? drive the roots deeper holding on to past moments? oh failure, failure, failure……what part of me must die ???

minor details change the whole game…feel bad for dark matter researchers


Research by University of Arizona astronomy professor Rodger Thompson finds that a popular alternative to Albert Einstein’s theory for the acceleration of the expansion of the universe does not fit newly obtained data on a fundamental constant, the proton to electron mass ratio.

Thompson’s findings, reported at the American Astronomical Society meeting in Long Beach, Calif., impact our understanding of the universe and point to a new direction for the further study of its accelerating expansion.

The acceleration can be explained by reinstating the “cosmological constant” into Einstein’s theory of General Relativity. Einstein originally introduced the term to make the universe stand still. When it was later found that the universe was expanding, Einstein called the cosmological constant “his biggest blunder.”

Full Story: http://uanews.org/story/dark-energy-alternatives-einstein-are-running-out-room

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slumber is the bomb.  free from my faulty mind i enjoy the rest. i, the one always present and unchanged despite maya’s power. yet those times when the mind does not reliquish power and offers a rare beautiful memory of what has been experienced, i love that mind, i love through that mind, i see the delicate balance of the infallible universe. All of which, causes me to long, to pause, to notice… beauty… is.

attraction to fear

April 9, 2012

as the mind deals with the terrifying feeling/thoughts, it finds ways to keep them at bay. Sometimes with pleasurable thoughts just as powerful. It is all the divine order of Isvara. The wheel of Samsara karmas that give joy and others pain. Yet as it is always  in the transactional world, this order is finite. There is no winning or losing only balance….at least eventually. the mind observed and used as a tool as opposed to an i.d. of “self” can be fascinating.