torturous growth II

March 4, 2007

so i had the usual fight with my mother. we live next door to each other and we’ve been having this fits since i was twelve and decided to speak up.  the only difference is that over time they just happened less and less often.  However, the issue of our fights is always the same “trust.”  By tradition she expects me to trust her “elderly wisdom” beyond & above what to me since childhood seems to be “True.” I find her ego engorged in pride cause she is smart and has been right many times.  This pride infuriates me, but then again those are the rules of the world. 

Knowledge is power and power corrupts. 

Yet, education is vital.

So knowledge is a double edge sword.  i can see it in my mother so clearly.  her possessiveness, her need for mundane loyalties and trust only in herself and what Christianity has taught her.  Which incidentally makes more sense after reading the “Autobiography of a Yogi” 

It almost feels like Christ should have had a Prerequisite course for his apostles “Christianity 101- ancient yogi texts” and then “Christianity 201- bible” But, wait the new testament wasn’t even written till a century  or more later!! hmm……maybe he did encourage reading ancient philosophy…..wait did his followers even know how to read?….OK this this subject is for another post later.

 so back to the torturous growth. the irony of it all is that mom has accused me of the same I’ve accused her. so, as i said, she is a smart woman.  Then she’s made me wonder, have I been corrupted by the power of “partial knowledge” at best? Do I still have trust issues after so many years in therapy-i worked so hard on this in sessions.  Or, do i just not trust her.  Do all daughters go through trust issues with their mothers? and to a lesser extent with their fathers?

 In any case, she and i spent two hours in the meditation room trying to find the strength to deal with our issues.  She came in “armed with her bible” and I had an altar full of yogis, including Jesus.  The fear was palpable. Ha ha! we were both scared shit-less.

…………………Boy it was painful, but we got through it, tears and all.  Time does help, like in every other matter of the heart and the ego 😉

oddly enough i love my mother and have a desire to protect her since i was very young.  ah! (sigh) what a “Maya” issue.  i guess I’ll be tangled in my own ego for a while and maybe even for the duration of this lifetime of mine. 

 ha ha! this reminds me of the last time a was chewing gum an- at the request of my child- blew ever bigger bubbles so the little lovable fingers could punch through them.  Well, ….needless to say it took me several weeks to wash the occasional gum piece from my hair.  But, it was fun!!!

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