black mood

January 21, 2008

the world seems stable above so i feel the pull of my black mood. My awarness craves the experience but it would be so much more comforting if someone could descend with me.

This is a dark place not quite cold not quite warm. as if it existed outside of time and matter…..and maybe it does. The air thick and stale like the gases of some monstruos nebula. Inside it, there seems to be no motion -or at least very slow motion. The only disturbance are my probing thoughts……….. but even thinking is labored. I sink in a sea of emotions that connect me to this vastness.  I lay this body under the covers and feel  ease and seduction  under the daunting heaviness. The swirling energy -a dark mixture of every feeling imaginable like the running colors from my early painting days- is at once impressive and scary.  Have I been here before? have we all been here before? is this some kind of primordial spiritual soup? Will it swallow me whole and return my consciousness scattered, splatered bent out of shape?….fragmented? ………or can i transcend the “I” and return gathered, smooth, whole? ………………………I’m pulled from back out of my hole  by the sweet cry of a child, her small voice powerful. No one elses words, gaze, or touch can persuade me-as hers-to leave the wonderous place. All past visitors-except one- gasp and recoil at the idea of this passage into…………………..who knows what. Can meditation bring me back or Am i to wait for the inviting feelings again. How long?………..and there it is again. now singing brahms…… soft tune of children………..pulling me……….. just as powerfully as my black mood.

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