Regression Dialog

May 22, 2008

Pain was the cause of these feelings.

Oddly enough not emotional but physical. Surrendering to it brought tears to my face and yet there was a release that seems I had needed. Now, there is less effort in holding myself together. Though this feelings need more release.

I didn’t want to be born. The struggle was sad and heart wrenching. The pride, disappointment, conceitedness, and guilt were drowning me.  “I didn’t want to be born” these words resonating in my head. I had fallen and after the defeat i just wanted to disappear. Mull over the horror I’d made of my life.

Horror?…….what horror. Don’t be fooled! wake up. It wasn’t real, just a tragic play in which you chose to be the victim of your own undoing.

Chose?…….i chose that? why would i do that?………… wanted to feel these things? maybe……………….. had i not had enough before?

Flashbacks of a body being pulled apart by horses, a decapitation maybe, all enticed by the sight of enormous paintings at La Cartuja. And me……..a silent witness of the fear.

Fear…………a delusion from which i did not wake up soon enough. Now embedded in my limbs it seems. And with it a  wounded kingly pride. Wiracocha had convinced me i was the son of the Sun. My faith in Amon Ra had been misplaced i realized too late.

Faith………hmm. Is that why i had to do that?

My current life is plagued by a desire to just go to sleep, to be left alone, defensive about myself, sorry that i am what i am. Ruled by the pleasures of the flesh cause i’m not present enough. So, i’m here……..accept it. And in my half assed effort i haven’t done too shabby……………..hmm there goes that pride again. Don’t i Know who I am?…….it seems laughable.

Laughter…..a great self-defense technique…………..what self? the real one or the pretend one………..I’m still asleep.  I need them both to be in this world. Neither is exclusive of the other. The inner warrior must awake and debut once more without forgetting reality.

I must go back and surrender to the pain. It scares me and yet i look forward to the journey it has provided

 

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