To my unborn child

December 10, 2013

I honor you today with these loving words. I treasure the time we did have together however fleeting. Your impending arrival terrified and excited me a the same time, but all in all i felt blessed with your prescence in this body. Smiles all around family and friends lost in dreaming of the sweet smell of a child’s innocence, that was your gift.
I Honor you little one with these words which are all I can give you now that you are gone back to the garden of souls in the seemigly distant primordial clouds of the Universe. May your journey be peaceful now and forever.
love
mommy

’tis so sad

May 17, 2013

’tis so sad to have opened up and be ignored. so much emotional control to even attempt to unearth my deepest desires…..wasted in deaf ears and a stone heart.

’tis so sad finding out that the beautiful outer core of a person’ soul can still hide dark places that they can’t bear to look at……even after knowing that  all perceived  reality is impermanent anyhow…..even after all ’tis time together.

’tis so sad to lay awake  pondering in deep solitude how to recover from the sterile aloofness.  how to walk back from the seductive abyss . how to nurse the tender buds of my bruised seedling desires in the most dharmic path….and there it is.  a gift of sound…the primordial word….dark yet powerful waves of the universe in symphonic form, bathing my sadness in its sweet nectar of acceptance.

black mood

January 21, 2008

the world seems stable above so i feel the pull of my black mood. My awarness craves the experience but it would be so much more comforting if someone could descend with me.

This is a dark place not quite cold not quite warm. as if it existed outside of time and matter…..and maybe it does. The air thick and stale like the gases of some monstruos nebula. Inside it, there seems to be no motion -or at least very slow motion. The only disturbance are my probing thoughts……….. but even thinking is labored. I sink in a sea of emotions that connect me to this vastness.  I lay this body under the covers and feel  ease and seduction  under the daunting heaviness. The swirling energy -a dark mixture of every feeling imaginable like the running colors from my early painting days- is at once impressive and scary.  Have I been here before? have we all been here before? is this some kind of primordial spiritual soup? Will it swallow me whole and return my consciousness scattered, splatered bent out of shape?….fragmented? ………or can i transcend the “I” and return gathered, smooth, whole? ………………………I’m pulled from back out of my hole  by the sweet cry of a child, her small voice powerful. No one elses words, gaze, or touch can persuade me-as hers-to leave the wonderous place. All past visitors-except one- gasp and recoil at the idea of this passage into…………………..who knows what. Can meditation bring me back or Am i to wait for the inviting feelings again. How long?………..and there it is again. now singing brahms…… soft tune of children………..pulling me……….. just as powerfully as my black mood.