To my unborn child

December 10, 2013

I honor you today with these loving words. I treasure the time we did have together however fleeting. Your impending arrival terrified and excited me a the same time, but all in all i felt blessed with your prescence in this body. Smiles all around family and friends lost in dreaming of the sweet smell of a child’s innocence, that was your gift.
I Honor you little one with these words which are all I can give you now that you are gone back to the garden of souls in the seemigly distant primordial clouds of the Universe. May your journey be peaceful now and forever.
love
mommy

The Nature of Desire

June 8, 2013

Wrestling with the desires of this body, i wonder what is the correct move. The chess game of life plays out in painfully slow motion. As the highest value of my current life strategy is ahimsa, this is a unique scenario. In the ignorance of my past i would have held my delimea all inside like an overipe tomato and eventually exploded, making a mess for myself.

So what IS the Nature desire?……..Twisting around the subject, my mind is a snake coiled in knots around itself….where is the missperception? it tires me to no end.

Desire  IS. In the duality of physical reality non-harming ACTION bears fruit. The law of karma satisfied. This struggle is soon coming to a halt……a paralizing one.

’tis so sad

May 17, 2013

’tis so sad to have opened up and be ignored. so much emotional control to even attempt to unearth my deepest desires…..wasted in deaf ears and a stone heart.

’tis so sad finding out that the beautiful outer core of a person’ soul can still hide dark places that they can’t bear to look at……even after knowing that  all perceived  reality is impermanent anyhow…..even after all ’tis time together.

’tis so sad to lay awake  pondering in deep solitude how to recover from the sterile aloofness.  how to walk back from the seductive abyss . how to nurse the tender buds of my bruised seedling desires in the most dharmic path….and there it is.  a gift of sound…the primordial word….dark yet powerful waves of the universe in symphonic form, bathing my sadness in its sweet nectar of acceptance.

Failure Meditation

February 11, 2013

failure is so uncomfortable, im trying to be with “it” without wanting to run away. everyone says there is a fruit to be picked at the other side of this experience. so………cant see past the discomfort yet.

my other issue is personal space…..how to be here and perform all roles expected of one. there will be sour faces at my lack of performance. its their karma? or mine? and how to not re-act in these state of mind?

failure is a demanding mistress…. a seed that has been watered and is ready to burst open. Breaking throug the soil in a painful-yet necessary- tearing of its seedling coating. fragile state of mind that can be scorched easyly by too much light, broken by too much wind. How to nourish the moment and strenghten the stalk? drive the roots deeper holding on to past moments? oh failure, failure, failure……what part of me must die ???

attraction to fear

April 9, 2012

as the mind deals with the terrifying feeling/thoughts, it finds ways to keep them at bay. Sometimes with pleasurable thoughts just as powerful. It is all the divine order of Isvara. The wheel of Samsara karmas that give joy and others pain. Yet as it is always  in the transactional world, this order is finite. There is no winning or losing only balance….at least eventually. the mind observed and used as a tool as opposed to an i.d. of “self” can be fascinating.

a dream

February 27, 2012

A wonderful dream. As i try to hang on  to the fleeting images and the feelings which they bring. The struggle begins.

Awareness of  its non-real quality and enjoyment of the experience collide like matter and anti-matter. the mind pauses….the heart races.

Capturing me in endless being…feeling…thinking..being…

Regression Dialog

May 22, 2008

Pain was the cause of these feelings.

Oddly enough not emotional but physical. Surrendering to it brought tears to my face and yet there was a release that seems I had needed. Now, there is less effort in holding myself together. Though this feelings need more release.

I didn’t want to be born. The struggle was sad and heart wrenching. The pride, disappointment, conceitedness, and guilt were drowning me.  “I didn’t want to be born” these words resonating in my head. I had fallen and after the defeat i just wanted to disappear. Mull over the horror I’d made of my life.

Horror?…….what horror. Don’t be fooled! wake up. It wasn’t real, just a tragic play in which you chose to be the victim of your own undoing.

Chose?…….i chose that? why would i do that?………… wanted to feel these things? maybe……………….. had i not had enough before?

Flashbacks of a body being pulled apart by horses, a decapitation maybe, all enticed by the sight of enormous paintings at La Cartuja. And me……..a silent witness of the fear.

Fear…………a delusion from which i did not wake up soon enough. Now embedded in my limbs it seems. And with it a  wounded kingly pride. Wiracocha had convinced me i was the son of the Sun. My faith in Amon Ra had been misplaced i realized too late.

Faith………hmm. Is that why i had to do that?

My current life is plagued by a desire to just go to sleep, to be left alone, defensive about myself, sorry that i am what i am. Ruled by the pleasures of the flesh cause i’m not present enough. So, i’m here……..accept it. And in my half assed effort i haven’t done too shabby……………..hmm there goes that pride again. Don’t i Know who I am?…….it seems laughable.

Laughter…..a great self-defense technique…………..what self? the real one or the pretend one………..I’m still asleep.  I need them both to be in this world. Neither is exclusive of the other. The inner warrior must awake and debut once more without forgetting reality.

I must go back and surrender to the pain. It scares me and yet i look forward to the journey it has provided

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Motherland

February 6, 2008

Flamenco dancers and guitar strings,

mediterranean airs pull my soul in.

The arab blood runs through that song.

Once again my nights are full of dreams,

Images sewn into my psych….

Feelings which drowned me in the recent and distant past.

I’ve found my core like volcanic ash,

ready to fall apart held by cool lava of fright.

I hope to wash my gosthly craters

of the illusions they once held

return ashore and to the Alhambra…. renewed.

Padre

January 22, 2008

Se que te asusta mirar a tu vacio. No porque no vea nada, mas bien porque sientes el poder de su invisible llenura. Cuando te hablo de mis penas siento hermandad en tus palabras. Haz estado en el mismo hueco negro que yo?

Tus suenos alocados y fuera de serie me recuerdan a mis suenos repetitivos y concisos. El tiempo no pasa en vano para los sonadores. Per para volcar las paginas the nuestra psiquis es necesario borrar nuestras sonrisas.  Puede el miedo mantenerte atado a esa soga impermanente?

Temo que asi es para ti, y deseo ayudarte a bajar en ese vacio tal y como tu me ayudaste con tanto amor a dar mis primeros pasos en este perro mundo lleno de maravillas.

black mood

January 21, 2008

the world seems stable above so i feel the pull of my black mood. My awarness craves the experience but it would be so much more comforting if someone could descend with me.

This is a dark place not quite cold not quite warm. as if it existed outside of time and matter…..and maybe it does. The air thick and stale like the gases of some monstruos nebula. Inside it, there seems to be no motion -or at least very slow motion. The only disturbance are my probing thoughts……….. but even thinking is labored. I sink in a sea of emotions that connect me to this vastness.  I lay this body under the covers and feel  ease and seduction  under the daunting heaviness. The swirling energy -a dark mixture of every feeling imaginable like the running colors from my early painting days- is at once impressive and scary.  Have I been here before? have we all been here before? is this some kind of primordial spiritual soup? Will it swallow me whole and return my consciousness scattered, splatered bent out of shape?….fragmented? ………or can i transcend the “I” and return gathered, smooth, whole? ………………………I’m pulled from back out of my hole  by the sweet cry of a child, her small voice powerful. No one elses words, gaze, or touch can persuade me-as hers-to leave the wonderous place. All past visitors-except one- gasp and recoil at the idea of this passage into…………………..who knows what. Can meditation bring me back or Am i to wait for the inviting feelings again. How long?………..and there it is again. now singing brahms…… soft tune of children………..pulling me……….. just as powerfully as my black mood.