Sweet dream

May 2, 2015

half awake this morning….missing you. basking in the glow of our long gone love……that impulsive, youthful and beautiful spark of destruction.

in this dream i long for you liked i did once. our lives separated by the warm breeze of dharmic duties….even in our ignorance.

in this dream you also look for me across the vision of countless meditating souls, sitting in a large cave by a wondrous holy river….

we can feel each others presence. a gentle punishing agony grips our hearts…

so we sit… far away form each other but aware of our vicinity.  the silence is comforting..

there is nothing to say….so we surrender to the bliss of being.

’tis so sad

May 17, 2013

’tis so sad to have opened up and be ignored. so much emotional control to even attempt to unearth my deepest desires…..wasted in deaf ears and a stone heart.

’tis so sad finding out that the beautiful outer core of a person’ soul can still hide dark places that they can’t bear to look at……even after knowing that  all perceived  reality is impermanent anyhow…..even after all ’tis time together.

’tis so sad to lay awake  pondering in deep solitude how to recover from the sterile aloofness.  how to walk back from the seductive abyss . how to nurse the tender buds of my bruised seedling desires in the most dharmic path….and there it is.  a gift of sound…the primordial word….dark yet powerful waves of the universe in symphonic form, bathing my sadness in its sweet nectar of acceptance.

slumber is the bomb.  free from my faulty mind i enjoy the rest. i, the one always present and unchanged despite maya’s power. yet those times when the mind does not reliquish power and offers a rare beautiful memory of what has been experienced, i love that mind, i love through that mind, i see the delicate balance of the infallible universe. All of which, causes me to long, to pause, to notice… beauty… is.

the pull

January 23, 2008

So a bad thing had to happen for your soul to recognize my blackness.  it feels as if we were trapped in space odassy 2000. Black space, blank noise, wisdom voices echoing in our heads. But us, unable to move, suspended in this feeling.

It’s not so bad….is it? you’ve stopped fighting the pull.  descend with me……I know it’s dark and heavy….yet it’s gentle lack of heat or coolness will cradle you into a marvelous unknown.

Our roles in the world will get played no matter what, except now anchored to this deep place we can explore together in our room at night.

Fear is gone while you are with me. yet if you wish to flee this place i’d be content. you’ve been here and erased that feeling away from me.

And if i ever sink too far inside….. you’ve been here and can pull my essence back outside.

Love

Rain

Padre

January 22, 2008

Se que te asusta mirar a tu vacio. No porque no vea nada, mas bien porque sientes el poder de su invisible llenura. Cuando te hablo de mis penas siento hermandad en tus palabras. Haz estado en el mismo hueco negro que yo?

Tus suenos alocados y fuera de serie me recuerdan a mis suenos repetitivos y concisos. El tiempo no pasa en vano para los sonadores. Per para volcar las paginas the nuestra psiquis es necesario borrar nuestras sonrisas.  Puede el miedo mantenerte atado a esa soga impermanente?

Temo que asi es para ti, y deseo ayudarte a bajar en ese vacio tal y como tu me ayudaste con tanto amor a dar mis primeros pasos en este perro mundo lleno de maravillas.

black mood

January 21, 2008

the world seems stable above so i feel the pull of my black mood. My awarness craves the experience but it would be so much more comforting if someone could descend with me.

This is a dark place not quite cold not quite warm. as if it existed outside of time and matter…..and maybe it does. The air thick and stale like the gases of some monstruos nebula. Inside it, there seems to be no motion -or at least very slow motion. The only disturbance are my probing thoughts……….. but even thinking is labored. I sink in a sea of emotions that connect me to this vastness.  I lay this body under the covers and feel  ease and seduction  under the daunting heaviness. The swirling energy -a dark mixture of every feeling imaginable like the running colors from my early painting days- is at once impressive and scary.  Have I been here before? have we all been here before? is this some kind of primordial spiritual soup? Will it swallow me whole and return my consciousness scattered, splatered bent out of shape?….fragmented? ………or can i transcend the “I” and return gathered, smooth, whole? ………………………I’m pulled from back out of my hole  by the sweet cry of a child, her small voice powerful. No one elses words, gaze, or touch can persuade me-as hers-to leave the wonderous place. All past visitors-except one- gasp and recoil at the idea of this passage into…………………..who knows what. Can meditation bring me back or Am i to wait for the inviting feelings again. How long?………..and there it is again. now singing brahms…… soft tune of children………..pulling me……….. just as powerfully as my black mood.

Madre

January 20, 2008

Tu mirada indaga mis ojos. 

Tus palabras buscan  la alegria de mis carcajadas

Como me estiras a la luz una vez mas?

 Ya me diste a luz una y mil veces, a este mundo que a veces detesto y a veces adoro. Pero hay dias en los que no puedo ser la nina que quisiste, la hermana y amiga que siepre te hizo falta. Hay dias en los que memorias sin imagenes inundan mi ser y no puedo reflejar el presente.

Se que estas aqui buscandome, pero no quiero ser hallada.  Quiero estar perdida bajo el peso de estos sentimientos. Me calman y me me aprisionan al mismo tiempo como cuando abuelita me acurrucaba bajo sus mantos en las frias mananas del valle.  Tu no quieres verme asi………….no es cierto? por ti soy el faro de alejandria, la torre eifel y la piramide de giza.  Pero hoy madre mia, anoro ser las piedras de un rio escodido bajo la sombra de mi pasado. Un pasado secreto a tu mirada de amor y orgullo. Quiero rendirme a las corrientes  de la vida, ahogarme bajo el peso de la vida y despertar en otro mundo.

Se que lo amas  pero ni tu misma sabes las cadenas que te has creado por ese amor. Los espejismos que te relataron y las promesas que te rompieron fueron mentiras que el mundo mismo se ha creido.

Cuando sepa mi camino

Volvere por ti ………..pronto

love in my sound

April 29, 2007

I played yesterday for many hours and with each note a feeling long forgotten returned.  Intense love is the only way to describe it.  Playing not just to play but playing to channel  intense feelings.  And, while flowers moved gently under the evening breeze of this garden, I was one with the sound my instrument produced.  It was lovely.  Brought me joy just feel it, to experience it, to connect with it and still find it within me.  Recent events have reminded me of it. And, I don’t want to ever forget it cause it will always be there as a source of unspoiled happiness.  Couldn’t love just exist in this perfect state?………………ah!

300 vs.The pillow book

March 25, 2007

Loved this movies. east vs. west.

300 sends a tremor of adrenaline through the body

pillow book cleans the veins

300 sucks the being into the beauty and horror of Maya

pillow book releases it to observe at a distance

300  is intoxicating body consciousness

pillow book is sobering body consciousness.

Both films deeply touching of things so different. 

Things that are alive in me………… and many of us?

My favorite morning

March 19, 2007

Waking up in the middle of a dream and  feeling like i’m still dreaming. the sweet aroma of  foods , the mellow mood and calm glances of people i’ve never met and yet feel so intimately close to. charged with powerfull feelings that nurture every corner of my healing soul.