Sweet dream

May 2, 2015

half awake this morning….missing you. basking in the glow of our long gone love……that impulsive, youthful and beautiful spark of destruction.

in this dream i long for you liked i did once. our lives separated by the warm breeze of dharmic duties….even in our ignorance.

in this dream you also look for me across the vision of countless meditating souls, sitting in a large cave by a wondrous holy river….

we can feel each others presence. a gentle punishing agony grips our hearts…

so we sit… far away form each other but aware of our vicinity.  the silence is comforting..

there is nothing to say….so we surrender to the bliss of being.

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’tis so sad

May 17, 2013

’tis so sad to have opened up and be ignored. so much emotional control to even attempt to unearth my deepest desires…..wasted in deaf ears and a stone heart.

’tis so sad finding out that the beautiful outer core of a person’ soul can still hide dark places that they can’t bear to look at……even after knowing that  all perceived  reality is impermanent anyhow…..even after all ’tis time together.

’tis so sad to lay awake  pondering in deep solitude how to recover from the sterile aloofness.  how to walk back from the seductive abyss . how to nurse the tender buds of my bruised seedling desires in the most dharmic path….and there it is.  a gift of sound…the primordial word….dark yet powerful waves of the universe in symphonic form, bathing my sadness in its sweet nectar of acceptance.

Failure Meditation

February 11, 2013

failure is so uncomfortable, im trying to be with “it” without wanting to run away. everyone says there is a fruit to be picked at the other side of this experience. so………cant see past the discomfort yet.

my other issue is personal space…..how to be here and perform all roles expected of one. there will be sour faces at my lack of performance. its their karma? or mine? and how to not re-act in these state of mind?

failure is a demanding mistress…. a seed that has been watered and is ready to burst open. Breaking throug the soil in a painful-yet necessary- tearing of its seedling coating. fragile state of mind that can be scorched easyly by too much light, broken by too much wind. How to nourish the moment and strenghten the stalk? drive the roots deeper holding on to past moments? oh failure, failure, failure……what part of me must die ???

completeness:

March 8, 2012

In the passing days of my life , many an event has held the promess of complete wisdom. Even when i knew not that “IT” was what i was looking for.  Experiencing a myriad of  thoughts, from youthful certainty to confusion,  rejection, disconnection, fear, surrender,  humbleness, tentative balance,  and finally to a more concerted effort to “know” with non- dualistic expectations.  People in my life have come and gone, all providing pieces of the puzzle of “I” and as time and locality are an illusions  either of Maya, or Holographic nature,  or Fractal Intricacies,  i can ocasionally  forgo the effects of longing for the truth of completeness and enjoy a state of mind of bliss….

Regression Dialog

May 22, 2008

Pain was the cause of these feelings.

Oddly enough not emotional but physical. Surrendering to it brought tears to my face and yet there was a release that seems I had needed. Now, there is less effort in holding myself together. Though this feelings need more release.

I didn’t want to be born. The struggle was sad and heart wrenching. The pride, disappointment, conceitedness, and guilt were drowning me.  “I didn’t want to be born” these words resonating in my head. I had fallen and after the defeat i just wanted to disappear. Mull over the horror I’d made of my life.

Horror?…….what horror. Don’t be fooled! wake up. It wasn’t real, just a tragic play in which you chose to be the victim of your own undoing.

Chose?…….i chose that? why would i do that?………… wanted to feel these things? maybe……………….. had i not had enough before?

Flashbacks of a body being pulled apart by horses, a decapitation maybe, all enticed by the sight of enormous paintings at La Cartuja. And me……..a silent witness of the fear.

Fear…………a delusion from which i did not wake up soon enough. Now embedded in my limbs it seems. And with it a  wounded kingly pride. Wiracocha had convinced me i was the son of the Sun. My faith in Amon Ra had been misplaced i realized too late.

Faith………hmm. Is that why i had to do that?

My current life is plagued by a desire to just go to sleep, to be left alone, defensive about myself, sorry that i am what i am. Ruled by the pleasures of the flesh cause i’m not present enough. So, i’m here……..accept it. And in my half assed effort i haven’t done too shabby……………..hmm there goes that pride again. Don’t i Know who I am?…….it seems laughable.

Laughter…..a great self-defense technique…………..what self? the real one or the pretend one………..I’m still asleep.  I need them both to be in this world. Neither is exclusive of the other. The inner warrior must awake and debut once more without forgetting reality.

I must go back and surrender to the pain. It scares me and yet i look forward to the journey it has provided

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the pull

January 23, 2008

So a bad thing had to happen for your soul to recognize my blackness.  it feels as if we were trapped in space odassy 2000. Black space, blank noise, wisdom voices echoing in our heads. But us, unable to move, suspended in this feeling.

It’s not so bad….is it? you’ve stopped fighting the pull.  descend with me……I know it’s dark and heavy….yet it’s gentle lack of heat or coolness will cradle you into a marvelous unknown.

Our roles in the world will get played no matter what, except now anchored to this deep place we can explore together in our room at night.

Fear is gone while you are with me. yet if you wish to flee this place i’d be content. you’ve been here and erased that feeling away from me.

And if i ever sink too far inside….. you’ve been here and can pull my essence back outside.

Love

Rain

Padre

January 22, 2008

Se que te asusta mirar a tu vacio. No porque no vea nada, mas bien porque sientes el poder de su invisible llenura. Cuando te hablo de mis penas siento hermandad en tus palabras. Haz estado en el mismo hueco negro que yo?

Tus suenos alocados y fuera de serie me recuerdan a mis suenos repetitivos y concisos. El tiempo no pasa en vano para los sonadores. Per para volcar las paginas the nuestra psiquis es necesario borrar nuestras sonrisas.  Puede el miedo mantenerte atado a esa soga impermanente?

Temo que asi es para ti, y deseo ayudarte a bajar en ese vacio tal y como tu me ayudaste con tanto amor a dar mis primeros pasos en este perro mundo lleno de maravillas.

black mood

January 21, 2008

the world seems stable above so i feel the pull of my black mood. My awarness craves the experience but it would be so much more comforting if someone could descend with me.

This is a dark place not quite cold not quite warm. as if it existed outside of time and matter…..and maybe it does. The air thick and stale like the gases of some monstruos nebula. Inside it, there seems to be no motion -or at least very slow motion. The only disturbance are my probing thoughts……….. but even thinking is labored. I sink in a sea of emotions that connect me to this vastness.  I lay this body under the covers and feel  ease and seduction  under the daunting heaviness. The swirling energy -a dark mixture of every feeling imaginable like the running colors from my early painting days- is at once impressive and scary.  Have I been here before? have we all been here before? is this some kind of primordial spiritual soup? Will it swallow me whole and return my consciousness scattered, splatered bent out of shape?….fragmented? ………or can i transcend the “I” and return gathered, smooth, whole? ………………………I’m pulled from back out of my hole  by the sweet cry of a child, her small voice powerful. No one elses words, gaze, or touch can persuade me-as hers-to leave the wonderous place. All past visitors-except one- gasp and recoil at the idea of this passage into…………………..who knows what. Can meditation bring me back or Am i to wait for the inviting feelings again. How long?………..and there it is again. now singing brahms…… soft tune of children………..pulling me……….. just as powerfully as my black mood.

Madre

January 20, 2008

Tu mirada indaga mis ojos. 

Tus palabras buscan  la alegria de mis carcajadas

Como me estiras a la luz una vez mas?

 Ya me diste a luz una y mil veces, a este mundo que a veces detesto y a veces adoro. Pero hay dias en los que no puedo ser la nina que quisiste, la hermana y amiga que siepre te hizo falta. Hay dias en los que memorias sin imagenes inundan mi ser y no puedo reflejar el presente.

Se que estas aqui buscandome, pero no quiero ser hallada.  Quiero estar perdida bajo el peso de estos sentimientos. Me calman y me me aprisionan al mismo tiempo como cuando abuelita me acurrucaba bajo sus mantos en las frias mananas del valle.  Tu no quieres verme asi………….no es cierto? por ti soy el faro de alejandria, la torre eifel y la piramide de giza.  Pero hoy madre mia, anoro ser las piedras de un rio escodido bajo la sombra de mi pasado. Un pasado secreto a tu mirada de amor y orgullo. Quiero rendirme a las corrientes  de la vida, ahogarme bajo el peso de la vida y despertar en otro mundo.

Se que lo amas  pero ni tu misma sabes las cadenas que te has creado por ese amor. Los espejismos que te relataron y las promesas que te rompieron fueron mentiras que el mundo mismo se ha creido.

Cuando sepa mi camino

Volvere por ti ………..pronto

jealousy and envy

September 27, 2007

The years are not kind to my body. Everytime my clothes fit tighter I end up having bad dreams.  Dreams in which i feel jealous and envious because the people I hold closest to my heart reject me for younger better looking more succesful people.  So i woke up wondering about these feelings and iquired of my partner if he had any sugestions as to why the lose of peace in my heart.  We discussed the topic at length and found some writtings about it in the Yogasutras of Patanjali.  But, he also had vedantic, biblical and other ideas to contribute.  I am amazed at the amount of information his mind seems to be able to hold. The culprit, we decided, was attachment.  Attachment to youth, love(so called), people, things………….. boy. So what to do now?

Well, we’ll  have to think more about the answer before clearing that up.

 Namaste