Hormonal captivity.

October 28, 2016

Another miscarriage…..á distant feeling of recoil shadows my days. I still smile and go on. I am 45 now. Its over. Father time heal my body. Mother earth nurture my soul and mind. Om

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Dogma

December 19, 2013

Is your nature really so opposed to the truth of the world?

Dogma why do u exist?

If all is sacred and part of  divine creation,

What role in Lila is yours?

Can pure chaos be your opposite, so much as blackholes 

are opposite to singularities?

Violent places -seemingly- who knows, why or how,

Yet present everywhere.

Dogma why do you exist…ahg!

 

 

Fractals in Nature

February 26, 2012

que belleza la veracidad del mundo.

40….

February 23, 2012

Glad to be this gorgeous number.  I think i’ll keep it for at least half the decade…

Since advaita vedanta has been such a great influence in the past  two years, i will call these time the “me but, not me”  time.  I’m at peace mentally-mostly anyhow- but peace is a strange respit to be in.  Peace has no major pains nor major joys, peace does not depend on experience-which is temporary. Peace seems to be a state of non-being….an open book….an actor without a play…or a play in which our part comes in only in an emergency…..an extra.  Sounds pretty depressing, but it isn’t at all.  I wonder if an atom waiting to be observed either as a wave or a particle feels this way.   Haha…wish i could draw a cartoon. Would my quantum entangled partners feel this way too? or are they feeling this way and that’s why i’m affected. Or…is the observer revealed as the non-actor of this “peace.” Most intriging if the observer -who’s really me- IS the quantum entangled partner itself.

As of  late, I’m fascinated by holograms and the principle they reveal. Everything being contained in any part of the whole. I’m also perplexed by Fractal Math and the endless repetition of patterns in perceived nature in ever smaller or detailed observation.

I await for……who knows what.

Lost

May 21, 2007

i feel lost today. making a great effort to seem my regular cheery self.  can anyone see through that charade.  maybe if  i fake it till i make it, it will work?…  i wonder sometimes in midsts of fear if  the path i follow is wrong for me.  Or as my dear husband says this is  …… pain is your friend and pleasure is the enemy.  maybe……………..or maybe i just need more drugs and i’ll be content. 

i played yesterday in front of a beautiful meadow at a countryside home. the willows were calling me ………. calling me to rock me to sleep under their gentle arms.  i wanted to stay and forget i still had a full day ahead of me.  but, at last we had to leave and after i got myself back on schedule the evening welcomed my tired soul next to the warm body of my clingy yet loving child.  The only one i wanted to be with last night.  So, i’m still here. Another full day.

beautiful solitude

May 18, 2007

i’ve been working like a mad woman.  A bit of time has come my way today and i plan to spend it mostly alone.  But, shortly there will be a full house and I’ll enjoy that as well.  I feel content, not as obsesive as usual.  Something has shifted but yet there is restlessness still lurking around.  I hope to keep it at bay………nap time!!

Scared

May 6, 2007

What am I doing with my life? who knows.  many would say playing with fire.  And possibly it is true.  I’m too old to risk myself again.  I could barely handle it in my twenties and I feel like I’m  going to have a heart attack now.  I’m such a whimp, but i don’t want to hurt anyone close to me, or more truthfully,  I don’t want to answer to anyone for my actions, don’t want to dissappoint, don’t want to be judged, don’t want to explaing myself,  How can I? I don’t understand anything as it is……  And hurting others not close to me? …………………………  god! what the hell am I doing!!!!!!!!!!!

questions

April 28, 2007

i hate having a million questions running through my head.  But, at last it’s just a sign that one of the major lessons for me in this life is patience.  I’m on prescription drugs again and feeling like I’m loosing connections to powerful parts of my struggles.  And therefore maybe the powerful lessons i’m supposed to learn from them. One day at time ….one day at a time.

Numb once again

April 18, 2007

………………….. it feels like flying over my life, observing from above, detached unable to proccess what I feel or think in the deepest places.  Only the random happenings of the rutine  keep me going for now.

Symptoms of Failure

April 3, 2007

I think i’ve failed, I hope I gave it enough time. As soon as I’m back I’ll have a check up and back on my drug of chioce.  Symptoms are pretty bad:

1.- Whole body aches

2.- Can’t breath fully

3.- Restless yet dead tired

4.- Snappy-i hate this one the worst

5.- Even the risotto made me cry today

6.- I feel like I’m about to implode eventhough I’m on a tropical Island

7.- Have no desire to be with anyone, and yet I don’t want to be alone.

8.- Can’t stand myself

9.- Can I please go to sleep till I have the stuff running through my veins again?